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This is the last of my Burbank airport blogs (promise).

To paraphrase Steve Martin in the classic Saturday Night Live Christmas sketch: “If I had just one wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to sing in peace and harmony.” Not in Burbank.

This note goes out to the woman in the Burbank airport bookstore, who wedged herself and her child in between me and the magazine rack I was perusing: “I just need to check a price.” So, the woman and her child look for a price on a miniature airplane, while I stand patiently. Well, soon they discover that there are LOTS of planes, and I discover that these two don’t make decisions easily. I stand literally less than a foot from them, staring right through them at the magazines I can’t see, while the mom describes each of the planes (“This is Air Force One…it has beds and a dining room…”)

I can be stubborn! I stood there for 3-4 LONG minutes I’m sure. No apologies. No “just one more minute”. No “we need to choose so this nice man can stop standing here staring at us”. Nope. Nothing.

So, my gift to the world…or at least the customers in the Greater Burbank Area: my wish for this woman is that she learn to teach her child about peace and harmony in 2006. Maybe she can break the cycle of people that think there is nobody else in the world.

(Written on my short flight from Burbank to SFO last night.)
The poor woman in 1B. She boarded our flight from Burbank to San Francisco as a standby passenger from a later flight that was also delayed. Rain in SF delayed everything for 2-3 hours. Needless to say everyone on this flight is tense–most are trying to connect to other flights for Christmas. So she boards–excited and hopeful–and finds nooks to store her small bags–the one downside to a bulkhead seat.

Well, the doors are closed and then reopened: “Will standby passenger X please gather your carry-ons and deplane”. The woman in 1B stands in front of a full plane, gathers her belongings, and asks politely for the reason. In an apologetic (but loud) voice, the flight attendant explains that the plane is simply overweight. I’m sure it didn’t help this poor traveler’s self esteem, since she was a bit heavyset. Talk about a string of bad luck 🙁

Well, a strong rain storm has delayed me in Burbank’s Bob Hope International Airport this afternoon. The good news is that they have added wireless internet since I was trapped here last. The bad news is that I’ve got time to dig through pictures and post them to my blog 🙂

But first, my useless fact of the day. I learned from the Channel 7 local news (which is droning on in the background) about what is going on in the stores as the Christmas shopping season draws to a close. According to the live report, “the men are better prepared this year. They are here with lists and know what they are looking for.” And we need 24×7 news why?

So, what are these men buying? Well, I humbly suggest the BEST white elephant gift I have ever drawn: the Pig Crumb Vacuum (thank you Denise). I mean, who hasn’t finished a meal only to find the table covered with food crumbs? Well, China Incorporated has sent us boatloads of these pink plastic pigs. Along with thousands of other gifts to re-gift. So, the theory is that by offshoring this stuff, we reduce prices so that we can buy more for less…but more of what?

So, to counter the crass commercialism bombarding me here in the airport, I submit three photos that remind me of holidays past.

So, I ran across the oddest of signs today. I was in the Federal building in Los Angeles today, and a sign enticing passers-by to visit the “welfare and immigration gift shop”. The featured item on the sign was a Department of Homeland Security ceramic mug.

Hint hint hint.

By the way, this does not top the funniest sign I saw in the same building a couple of years ago. It was an ad for the building’s in-house barber shop. The tag line? “If you’re bored at work, why not drop by for a haircut.” Classic.

Back in October, I proudly announced San Francisco’s #1 ranking among Conde Nast Traveler readers. At the same time, I pondered what San Jose advocates would say in a readers survey. Well, never let it be said that I’m not obsessive–I have the answer.

On my flight to San Diego this week, I read a 15-20 page paid advertisement for the City of San Jose in the United Hemisphere magazine. Here are the subjects of the photos and headlines in this paid advertisement–my assumption being that if you want to entice readers to travel to your city, then you draw them in with the San Jose equivalent of the Golden Gate Bridge! Well, you decide:

– Santana Row (an upscale, outdoor shopping mall)
– a farmers market
– the San Jose Sharks (the local NHL hockey team)
– pictures of the restored downtown shopping district
– the San Jose Symphony
– golf
– scientists using beakers
– the Technology Museum
– people drinking wine
– a plaza with playful fountains that spray you when you walk by
– an remodeled airport minutes from silicon valley companies
– home to Apple, Google, eBay, Cisco, and Adobe
– the headline: “50 miles south of san Francisco”
– a convention center
– the San Jose Grand Prix (1.6mi circuit through downtown)
– Children’s Discovery Museum
– Winchester Mystery House
– brown grassy hills for mountain biking
– many hotels
– san Jose university

Uh, huh. Hmmmm. “Well, honey. I’ve got the brochures. Instead of going to San Francisco this year, I booked us a room at the San Jose Hilton. Did you know they are only 50 minutes south of San Francisco? AND they have scientists!”

Please.

I DID learn two cool facts from this advertising section:

1. 58 companies with market capitalizations over $1 billion are headquartered within 12 minutes of the San Jose airport.
2. 34% of the nation’s venture capital is invested in the region!!

So, in response, I dug up one of the pictures we took while driving visitors around the city. This is the famous view of downtown with the Painted Ladies in the foreground. I think that makes a much more compelling tourist photo than the Google World Headquarters!